a broken relationship

Dear Mom,

I want to thank you for helping to shape and mold me into the strong person I am today. Because despite the many tears you've caused and the pain I've endured, I am still standing. I may never speak to you again and this saddens me, not because I miss you, but because I miss the idea of who you should be. People don't change and to have a relationship with you; you would have to change. I have given my everything to be the best daughter I can be in your eyes and nothing is ever enough so I have given up trying. Relationships take more than just one person trying to make it work and clearly you've decided that you want no part in my life. I feel guilt everyday for not wanting to reach out to you, but know I can't because its an endless cycle. And so... I will always love you as my mother, but will I ever love you as a person?

Love, Becca Boo




When people say their mother's annoy them, I often find myself snickering on the inside because the meaning of "annoy" is wasted on petty things all the time. I'm writing because that is what I do when I'm hurting, angry or when I'm ready to let go.

My sister, Charlotte, and I often say we should write a book on the subject of a bad mother, but where would we even start? Do you include things like how she didn't breast feed us because she didn't want to be hassled during the day to take care of us? Or do you skip ahead to the time she woke me up at 6am on a Saturday morning when I was in high school to tell me she was giving my dog away to some stranger because she was sick of him. Perhaps its the time she kept screaming at me on my birthday while I was on the phone with my dad, so I shut the door and locked it so I could hear. She knocked it down with a hammer and then created a crack down the wall.


A lot of people don't understand the strained relationship I have with my mother and I certainly can't blame them b/c the stories are so over-the-top, I wouldn't believe them if I didn't live them! By the way, I forgave my mom for giving my dog away. I also forgave her when she caused a major scene during my high school graduation; screaming, crying, hysterical - over a camera no less!! She some how managed to even make what was supposed to be one of the most important days of my life, completely about her. Some things never change.

But when does enough become enough? When do I stop forgiving someone who doesn't even apologize just because I'm supposed to love them? Someone giving birth to you does not constitute them being your mother, its so much more than that!

To understand my mother would take a psychology degree, many decades, and perhaps a small miracle. I myself don't even know her fully and I lived with her for 18 years! This is what I do know; I know that she is very immature, selfish, manipulative and a compulsive liar. I understand that writing these things down about her and sharing them means I cannot take them back... and trust me when I tell you these are all things I have said to her face before. Let me clarify that she has said unimaginably worse things to me.

It has always been about her. Time and time again I have tried to make our mother/daughter relationship work. She once activated a credit card in my name while I was in college and ran up a bill for $700 that she didn't pay. When it came time for me to get my student loans, I didn't qualify b/c I had "bad credit". During the process of fixing the situation, I found out that she had forged my name to acquire the credit card. To this day, she denies it, but the credit card company gave me the address where it was done and it was hers (she lived alone). I might not have been able to afford school, meanwhile, she was buying a brand new Cadillac and house with checks with money her second husband (only married to a month before he passed away), left her.


And yet, even after all of this, I STILL spoke with her. Did I mention that the reason I needed the student loan was b/c she spent my college savings in three months time? Yeah... no apology there either. She wanted me to "put myself in her shoes". I wanted to kick a boot up her ass.


Now that you have an idea of how she is, I'll tell you the last straw.


I recently got married in October, but the trouble started about 6 months prior. I wanted the mother/daughter moment of her helping me pick out my wedding gown. That Norman Rockwell painting of a perfect family. Instead, I called her and BEGGED her to go with me, when she finally showed up to see me in the dress, she had no kind words at all. "That freckle on your back is unbecoming!", "you'll have to dye your hair something other than a brassy shade of blonde b/c it looks horrible".. well, you get the picture.

And somehow still, the only time she'd talk to me about the wedding it was all about her. What would she wear? Where would she sit? Why couldn't she walk me down the aisle? Why wasn't her name on the invitations? She was angry I didn't invite her third cousin's daughter's friend. She didn't understand when I asked her to be there and not cause a scene - just for one day.

Conclusion is, she never showed up to the wedding because she KNEW she couldn't behave herself. A 50-something year old woman can't even control her own actions for 6 hours during a day! I came to the epiphany that if she truly loved me, she would have been there and just said.. I love you and I want to be here for you. But instead, she didn't show b/c it wasn't about her.


In the end, I am still feeling guilty for not talking to her. I eats at me everyday, even though I know it shouldn't. She doesn't bother to talk to me... so why should I to her? Nothing has changed. She refuses to take responsibility for herself or her actions. And I refuse to endure the drama she creates.


There. a glimpse. Thats it.. a glimpse into the life with my mother. The thing is, this isn't even half of it! I can't even recall everything in the past b/c I've blocked it out. I can just move on from here and wish her well in the future. I can feel blessed to know that family and friends are still there to love me and be there for me no matter what. Will I ever have a mother who loves me unconditionally ? I guess thats up to her. BUT I do have a spectacular mother-in-law and that will do for now. :)


signing off... xoxo, Becca